It’s funny how things hit you differently at different stages in your life. When we first married, people automatically assumed that we would have children. At the wedding (or maybe even before) people would say, “so, when are we going to meet little Buffas?” At the time…I can remember thinking, “Geesh, we are just married and are moving a 1000 miles, starting a new career AND going back to school…wanna give us a minute?” Every time some one asked that question, “when are you having kids?”, I would get annoyed…and move on shaking my head at the crazy thoughts people have. And I don’t mean crazy because the question is completely out of line, I mean crazy because I’m just not sure what makes some one ask that question. Afterall, the best part of being married is not just the act of getting married, but it is the time and effort we put into our marriage. It’s all of the moments from the time you say I do, to the knit picking and arguing after an all nighter of studying or working. Marriage shouldn’t be rushed…and new couples shouldn’t feel pressure to have babies, and that innocent question is right where the pressure begins! (Thankfully we aren’t likely to fall to peer pressure…and enjoyed the beginning of Our marriage, perfectly contentedly without babies.)
Then we had BChilly, and within weeks we were asked, “well, when is baby number two coming?” I always avoided that one. First of all, because with having babies, there are no guarantees. Baby having is not easy, and I think assuming that we can just decide to have a baby whenever we want is a little presumptuous. Eventually though, we would answer with, “someday”, or “maybe in a few years.” Again, the question is innocent, but it’s a little crazy. Because honestly, looking back, I would not change an ounce of how our lives have played out. Our babies, were all born when they were meant to be born. And we were blessed to have time with each of them to grow and learn before the next came along. The timing was perfect, the timing was what made things work. If our boys would have been born any differently, life would be so different. There was no need to rush, instead, there was a need to take time to let each baby grow…to adore each and every first as if it would be the last time we would say, “first step”, “first word”, “first day of school”. Fortunately, our firsts keep coming, and thankfully, our firsts are not rushed. Another innocent question, that demands a sense of urgency in a time that should be cherished.
Recently, (okay…for the last 2 years and 23 days…), we have gotten this question, “When will you try for a girl?”. Preposterous. See, the other questions…they never bothered me so much. But that one. That question…I just can’t understand. Because by asking that question, it becomes implied that I need a little girl to be satisfied. When in actuality, I am satisfied. And I am not satisfied because I don’t have a girl…or because I do have all boys. I am satisfied because I have 3…beautifully perfect children…each created and designed to fulfill our family. To complete us. Each of our children fill our family in a different way. See, for me, it’s not about “boy” or “girl”. It is about each child. It is about our smart, sweet, strong willed, curious, outgoing oldest. Or our shy, silly, bright, energetic, passionate middle kiddo. And our loving, courageous (insert death defying), bold, spitfire of a youngest. They happen to be boys…but that’s not who they are. They are our children, our lives, our everything. So when I hear that question, “when are you trying for a girl”, I have to hold back and stop myself from saying all the things that come to mind. Because we never “tried” for anything Other than wonderfully healthy beautiful children to fill our family…to complete us.
These three…beautiful…amazing children, fill us with overflowing love each and every day. Life without any of them, would be incomplete.
All of that being said, the questions, that we ask one another…getting married?, having babies?, going for a girl?, going for number four?…they all imply so many things…and they all assume that the other person’s life is somehow incomplete. And that each stage is lived for the next stage. When in actuality…I live this stage of our lives…for right now. I am loving today to love the family I have. If that family changes, if some day, our family expands…it will never be because we are “trying” for a girl. It will be because there is room in our hearts to love someone else. But for now, we are satisfied…with this stage of our lives. And going forward, I will refrain from asking those innocent questions that imply a sense of urgency…a rush…or incompleteness. Because in reality, we have plenty of things forcing us to rush through life, and plenty of areas where it is easy to feel incomplete. But when it comes to growing a family…from marriage to children…each stage is significant. Each stage has a purpose. And each stage deserves to be given plenty of time. Perhaps instead of asking the ‘when will you’ questions, it would be better to ask…’what do you love about the right now’, because here’s the thing…I thing, those ‘when will you’ questions are awkward and uncomfortable. But the what do you love questions…now those are easy to answer!
Let me take a minute to answer the easy question…
I love that I married someone who isn’t afraid to be silly…and that he challenges me to see the world differently.
I close that we are blessed with three beautiful healthy little people who bring more joy to my life each and every day.
And I love, that with each step I take…I have an amazing family to walk along side me.
And I love that I can live in the right now…and adore these moments.